Some interesting and exciting opportunities have been coming my way as of late. Not for dumb luck either, I’ve been working hard. That being said I have this little voice in the back of my head that tells me that I don’t deserve these things. They make me question my abilities, my right to even be in the places I’m in, my right to even want the things I’m reaching for. It’s, in a word, confusing. On the one hand there is the logic: “You, Renée, worked hard. It paid off. Cheers.” and on the other that voice hisses: “Who do you think you are?”
That’s imposter syndrome at it’s finest. And it doesn’t play nicely with my anxiety either.
If every day you’re told the exact sum of all you’re ever expected to be, and you defy that, you’re hard pressed to feel deserving, even when that sum is horrifyingly low. Yet despite your hard work or intelligence, that feeling persists. At times it even feels like somehow cheating. Surely there’s someone out there that deserves, and that someone can’t POSSIBLY be me. It feels like the time I was 6 and I ate a handful of grapes at Stop and Shop and thought I was going straight to Hell by dinner time. The guilt of the literal forbidden fruit burned in my little 6 year old, grape-filled belly. Only it’s not grapes anymore. And I’m fighting my own self for legitimacy.